It was spring and there were a lot of news bits and humor pieces related to marriage back in March of 1858.
The following pieces were originally published in newspapers from that month and year, giving us all a taste of what daily life was like back then.
At Chicago last week a rather amusing scene took place during the baptism of a young lady by the pastor of the Tabernacle. The union says, “The minister requested her to assume the dress peculiar to such an occasion, but she declined to take off her hooped skirt. The minister told her of the inconvenience that must result from her obstinacy, but like a true female she persisted; but when she came to descend into the bath, the inflated skirt touched the water and rose up around her, like a balloon. Her head was lost to the congregation, she was swallowed up in the swelling skirt, the minister tried to force her down into the bath, but she was kept above the surface by the floating properties of crinoline, and was buoyed up so successfully that it was not until after much difficulty and many forcible attempts to submerge the lady, the minister succeeded in baptizing the fair one. Finally it was effected, to the relief of the minister and the seriously inclined audience, who could not keep from chuckling in their sleeves and laughing in their pocket kerchief.”
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An Eastern editor heads his list of “Marriages and Death” as “Matched and Dispatched.”
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An Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his marriage, bared his head and exhibited a huge scar which looked as though it might have been made with a fire shovel. The evidence was satisfactory.
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One Poindexter died sometime since in Virginia, and in his will gave his slaves the choice of emancipation or continuing as slaves. The will was contested on the ground that the slaves had no civil or social rights, and that they had no legal capacity to accept or take advantage of such contracts. The Court of Appeals sustained this decision, and denied the slaves any right of emancipation. A legitimate result of the Red Scott decision. We believe, however, this legal disqualification does extend to prohibiting colored persons from enslaving themselves if they desire. All Southern prohibitions are against freedom – none to help it. (Source)
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Characters, like pipes, get blacker the oftener they are smoked.
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Why is a lean dog like a man in meditation? Because he is a thin cur.
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Little Boy: “What’s the use of an eclipse?”
Astronomer: “It gives the sun time for reflection.”
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A punster challenged a sick man’s vote at a recent election on the ground that he was an ill legal voter.
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Every family ought to keep a kitten to amuse the children. The should also keep children to amuse the kitten.
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A man named Henry Jampertz was arrested last night for the murder of the woman whose remains were found in a barrel in the Hudson River Depot. He says she hung herself in his room and confesses that he cut up and shipped the body, not knowing how else to dispose of it.
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Do you eat onions? A few grains of roasted coffee eaten immediately afterward, or a teaspoonful or two of vinegar swallowed, removes at once the odor from the breath. (Source)
At a fashionable city party, at which low necked dresses were a prominent feature, Miss B. asked her country cousin, “Cousin Sam, did you ever see such a glorious sight before?”
“Never since I was weaned,” said Sam, blushing.
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A wag, on hearing that a man had given up chimney sweeping, expressed surprise, as he though the business sooted him.
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A venerable maiden lady, speaking of marriage, says it is like any other disease – while there is life, there is hope.
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A sour fellow says that he always looks under the marriage head for the news of the weak.
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If a ship make eight knots an hour, how long will she take to make a crochet collar?
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The boy who lost his balance on the roof, found it on the ground soon afterwards. (Source)
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As a proof of the hardness of the times, a man up in Ohio only kills half a pig at a time.
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The man who never says nothing to nobody was married last week to the lady who never speaks ill of no one.
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A bachelor of 70 and a widow of about the same age recently eloped from Canada across the river to Detroit and were married. The elopement was rendered necessary in consequence of the opposition of several infants of the widow, aged from 30 to 40, to the match.
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An officer of the U.S. steamer Georgetown, writes from Bombay that he has attended the marriage of two children – with all the solemn rites of church – who were only five years old. Children there are married by their parents when mere infants. They think it a disgrace not to be married at five years old. A boy unmarried at six is an old bachelor.
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Traveling a few days since in Missouri, in sections where cows have a wide range, we heard a new enticement to bring the cows home at night. That was, feeding them sugar, the same as you would eat. A little handful at eve, at the same time of day, would bring them back to the gate with a regularity as unfailing as the sun. After they are trained in sugar eating, it may be omitted every other night. A half dozen housewives assured me that the fact was well worth knowing.
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Men are frequently like tea – the real strength and goodness are not properly drawn out until they have been a short time in hot water.
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Intelligence was received last night from Lecompton to the effect that a band of marauders committed numerous depredations in that neighborhood on the eleventh, robbing several settlers and the store of Wm. Wells. The gang is said to number sixty men, completely armed, and is asserted to be the same band which perpetrated the recent robberies and murders at Fort Scott. No pursuit was attempted.
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An entire Chinese regiment, for having abandoned an untenable fort, during the recent attack on Canton by the French and English forces, has been sentenced to wear women’s clothes for five years.
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A fellow said to a Jew, “Do you know they hang Jews and jackasses together in England?”
“I did not,” replied the Jew, “but if it is true, it is fortunate that you and I are not there.”
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The number of languages spoken is 3,064. The number of men is about equal to the number of women. The average of human life is 33 years. One quarter die before the age of 7. One half before the age of 17. To every 1,000 persons, one only reaches 100 years. To every 100, only six reach 75 years and not more than 1 in 500 reaches the age of 80 years. There are on earth 1,000,000,000 of inhabitants. Of these 33,333,333 die every year; 91,824 die every day; 7,780 every hour, 60 every minute – or one for every second. These losses are about balanced by an equal number of births. The married are longer lived than the single; and above all, those who observe a sober and industrious conduct. Tall men live longer than short ones. Women have more chances of life previous to the age of 50 than men, but fewer after. The number of marriages is in proportion of 75 to 100. Marriages are more frequent after the equinoxes – that is, during the months of June and December. Those born in the spring are generally more robust than others. Births and deaths are more frequent by night than by day. The number of men capable of bearing arms is calculated at one fourth of the population.
The bodies of no less than five dead infants were found within a short period of time in the river and lake at Chicago; all probably the victims of infanticide. (Source)
