The following are some bits of news and humor from 1858.
Ignorance and pride keep constant company.
*-*
You will never have a friend if you must have one without a fault.
*-*
Strain the bow and the arrow swerves; such is the case with the mind.
*-*
Happiness is a perfume that one cannot shed over another without a few drops falling on himself.
*-*
A young lady who was “lost in thought” has been found. She was “hugging an idea” – it looked like a man.
*-*
If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all our hostility. (Source)
*-*
The man who wrestled with adversity wore out his silk stockings and got worsted.
*-*
A young poet out west, in describing Heaven, says, “It is a world of bliss, fenced in with girls.”
*-*
To prevent your hair from coming out, never let your wife catch you kissing the servant girl.
*-*
It has been discovered that bread can be manufactured out of wood. Long before this discovery was made, all wood was known to have grain in it.
*-*
The family of J.C. Loyd, of Neenah, were poisoned by eating wild parsnips on Tuesday last. A little son died in consequence, but by timely remedies the wife and daughter were saved, and are now considered out of danger.
The time for the end of the world is again announced by the adventists of New York and New Jersey – 1858 being set down as the year. (Source)
*-*
“You’ll break my heart,” said the oak to the hatchet.
*-*
Why is the heart of a tree like a dog’s tail? Because it is the farthest from the bark.
*-*
The young married couple who thought they could live on love and moonlight, have discovered that there is some virtue in baked beans.
*-*
The President has sent an embassy to Utah for the purpose of making peace. It is said that the rebellious Mormons are to be tendered the olive branch on condition that they will return their allegiance to the government of the United States; otherwise bloody war is to follow. (Source)
*-*
A Christianity which will not help those who are struggling from the bottom to the top of society, needs another Christ to die for it.
*-*
A horticulturist of Lafayette, Indiana, advertised that he would supply all sorts of trees and plants, especially “pie plants of all kinds.” A gentleman thereupon sent him an order for “one package of custard pie seed and a few dozen mince pie plants.” The gardener promptly filled the order by sending him four goose eggs and a small dog. The Courier vouches for the statement.
*-*
Frogs are in demand in New York and sell for one dollar per dozen. (Source)
*-*
The most dangerous ship that man ever embarked in is said to be courtship.
*-*
To get rid of Spanish coin at full value: Drop it into the contribution box at church as it passes around.
*-*
An English paper says there is a Quaker down in Manchester who is such an advocate for peace that he will not have a clock in his house because it strikes.
*-*
A young lady in Paris made her fortieth ascent in a balloon and landed in the country. The rustics maltreated her as a witch.
*-*
Twenty-five hundred dogs have been drowned by the Police in New York since the Dog Law went into operation this summer.
*-*
Jas. L. Bowers and a woman named Tillison were recently tarred and feathered in Maryland on suspicion of assisting slaves to escape. (Source)
*-*
A New York gentleman caught off Boston a bass weighing 43-1/2 pounds.
*-*
There are nineteen flour mills at St. Louis which turn out daily about 6,000 barrels of flour – making 1,800,000 per year. (Source)
*-*
A French Flying Machine. – The Emperor has just made a present of 5,000 francs to a private in the line who asserts he has discovered a solution of the great problem in aeronautics – the art of flying. He has invented a kind of air ship, consisting of a platform of silk stretched over whalebone, to be propelled by two gigantic wings of the same material placed on each side. The aerial navigator is to be suspended at a distance of about four feet from the platform, while his feet rest on pedals by means of which the wings are set in motion, while his arms rest on a lever that imparts to the platform the direction he chooses to give it. Only a model of this machine has yet been constructed, and it appears to work well. (Source)
*-*
A woman in Indiana was lately granted a divorce on the complaint that her husband always “laid with his back to her.”
*-*
A man named Brown arrived in St. Louis on Saturday week, without money or friends, and finding no employment, resolved to commit suicide. He procured a pistol and shot himself in the head, the bullet passing through the skull between the eyes, and lodging against the back part of the head, displacing some of the brain. Medical aid was called, and his case attended to, and on Thursday following, he was able to sit up in bed and converse intelligently.
A man named Delvin in Maine has lodged a complaint against his wife for playing practical jokes on him while he was drunk. (Source)
*-*
A Northampton paper tells the following strange story. – At our union last week, the master, for some misconduct, put a boy into the dead house as punishment. At that time, there was a corpse in the dead ward, in a coffin. The boy took the corpse out of the coffin, dressed it in his own clothes, propped it up against the wall, and then himself got into the coffin, lay down, and covered himself over. In the course of a short time, the master came, looked in at the door, and saw as he thought a sulky lad standing against the wall. Now, said the master, “do you want any supper?” There was no answer. The question was repeated with the same result. The boy looked out from the coffin and said, “If he won’t have any, I will.” The master fled under terror and received such a shock hat it is said he has since died from the effects.
There are two ways to get through the world – push through or be pushed. (Source)
